If my son's not on my mind one day-he'll end up in my nightmares the next. I try to respond to people who comment on my blog when they write about their personal PA story. The truth is usually there. He had told her he loved her and that she would never see him again if he left. Miss my kids n grandkids! Take care Helen, Hi, Helen - Harold Niman, the father's lawyer, said the decision serves as a wake-up call to parents who, "for bitterness, anger or whatever reason," decide to use their children … The very person who she worried was "turning me against her" was the one who saved my relationship with her! I just keep texting him because I'm just not gonna give up unless he changes his number or something. Divorcing parents who poison children against their former partner could lose custody 'The demonising of a parent, usually by the one with whom the child lives, has … This even can occur even at the thought of having half their access taken away. Society will always blame the abused women. Does anyone ever stop to think about how traumatized the women became that it's just hard for them not to defend themselves and to be continually told that they are just trying to turn the kids against their dads by standing up for themselves and correcting the lies? Feel free to reach out to me via my website if you want more information about parental alienation. If the father and mother agree to the name change, the court will usually hold a hearing to confirm that the child wants his name changed, and the name change will be approved. No one would believe it. I know well the effects. There should be laws against bullies whom use manipulative tactics to hurt and punish others for self centered reasons. Compassion & Empathy? Alice is quite good expressing her thoughts, it is the Queen that drags her in mental circles. How I Controlled Communication With My Narcissistic Mother, Psychology Today © 2020 Sussex Publishers, LLC, 3 Simple Questions Screen for Common Personality Disorders, Research Suggests Coronavirus Causes a Storm in the Brain, What to Do About Vaccine Hesitancy During COVID-19, New Findings Reveal Benefits of Ketamine for Depression. In my experience an alienating parent needs three things: (1) motive to undermine the child's relationship with the other parent, (2) access to the child, and (3) skillful use of alienation strategies. Now they bond over their mutual hatred of us, I am sure speaking unkindly about us. After over 14 years, it is unlikely that reunification will ever happen. I love my mom, but I have distanced myself for my own mental health these days. Second, I do offer telephone coaching for targeted parents. Looking back I felt I was held to ransom. They have good lives but seem to continously make the wrong decisions and when the results of those decisions are bad, they blame the mother for what they believe she did, or didn’t do to them when they were growing up. Too much to deal with. I was nice to them because I had to be and never called his dad names or say anything negative about him, except one time my son who was around 8 said his dad told him he had a dream he was sweating blood. Have you found support yet? He beat me weekly too. Get the help you need from a therapist near youвЂ“a FREE service from Psychology Today. 2 I allowed a young man to stay with us as he had just finished college and his job placement was near to my flat. However I do know he has not got custody he has simply crowned the effect of having him live with him and alienated against me as a mom. Who is the child support payer? I have read your comments about studying psychology and devoting research and work in light of this. There's a lot of abuse out there! As someone who works as a relationship coach, what I have noticed that it is pretty universal for women to become easily traumatized or hyper-emotional even at the thought of losing a child. So I wrote a wee poem in the cards; "By the calender, These cards will arive late. Then you go pick another one? If he doesnt have a job it is a bad sign. What we are really talking about her is trying to have regulations and policy around parenting. What You MUST know about restraining orders. What happens if we do not? For a son dishonors his father, a daughter rises against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law; a man's enemies are the members of his own household. She is trying to build something for herself and you only care to claim her because she is pretty. As long as the father was doing well in his life and was able to take care of my son, he had every chance to see him. Such lies.i was the only one who financially supported them while i was regularly beaten and all. I canвЂ™t speak for fathers though. I am now well into the room called "Senior". I always tell my daughter I am here for you, but now that there is no more patenting plan he can do anything he wants to influence her. Severe Parental Alienation: A Mental Health Emergency, Parental Alienation and the Bystander Effect, Recent Advances in Understanding Parental Alienation, It's Complicated: The Many Moods of Mother's Day. Why did you chose one bad man after another. To an easily influenced child/person, this could be a convert way of doing this while still looking like the good (guy). You know in USA nobody forces you to pick a partner. If you were unmarried at the child’s birth, but have established paternity, you can seek custody rights to your child. I am very careful about keeping information libel-free so it has felt so good to write about what I've been through! Many adults poison their spouses mind against his or her family too and alienate them and their children from their family groups. If I had known about the behaviour of a narcissistic personality when I was younger I would have never married my ex. 1. Today's family court system is bogged down with parents who cannot even hold a job or stay sober long enough to care for their children. Why do you go with some guy who never worked? For the person who said that their mother was the person who was alienating and that dad was trying to supportive, it is not up to us to decide whether that is true or not. Please, just leave us alone. A mother who never wanted me to begin with but used me as a tool in a vicious game of spite against my biological father. These are not the sole purview of either gender. For the past 6 years, i was denied overnight visits despite a half inch thick stack of copies of court ordered parenting classes and counseling. Also, it is true that mothers-daughters have sometimes complicated relationships. There are other ways to deal with the situation than doing the black and white siding with one parent over the other which is kind of typical of alienation situations and is likely why people are doubting your story. It's been very hard for her to see this. That really made me angry and I said firmly and with all authority that his father should not tell him things like that. In my conversations with targeted mothers a common theme is that they perceive other people as thinking that they must have done something wrong for their child to reject them. Barbara Kay: Rare justice sees mother punished for using children as weapons against Dad. My grandchildren. I feel badly for my daughter actually, because some day, her children will learn that they had a grandmother they were prevented from meeting. In situations where a mother stops a father from seeing his child, it is important for both parties to know their legal rights for it to be resolved in the best way possible for the child. There are some very disturbed people outside doors. I think Parental Alienation can be done so insidiously that a parent doesn't even have to out right "say" something bad about the other parent in order to manipulate the child. What kind of psychopath backs up a woman who bad mouths the other parent to a CHILD to lessen their stress? Children who are beaten, starved, sold into sexual slavery, children who's every day existence is in jeopardy. Most all of the websites say it's the poor fathers and the mom's who talk badly about them. Women get blasted for being alienating when if people had more understanding about biology perhaps they could get the proper understanding and support instead (in a way that helps fathers not to be alienated or etc). Another Jo! from The Journal of Family Violence, Volume 10, Number 3, p 253-264, 1995 The courts handed me 1% visitation. Have you met her or her mom or dad? You contact people on our friends' lists on facebook and try to be sneaky and tell horrific lies, not to mention that fact that you can't even spell my name right when you do it. There is a question of loyalty, trust and parenting on common ground. Today is Mother's Day". Put another way, a mother who alienates the children against the father has a short-term gain against a long term loss. Embarrassed he was caught cheating- and lying- he ended the marriage and has been angry at me ever since (and his lover hates me even more than he does). But the source of the bias is not in the courts – it’s in the marriage. MATERNAL ALIENATION is the specific alienation against the mothers, not that this doesn't happen to fathers. But now saying I have no right to make court date in Florida where she was born. My x even went to court with the story that i was dead.. Because individuals with this disorder often hide their condition and twist the facts about their relationships, it can be easy for courts to erroneously grant them child custody. When I read back over that work it gives me compassion for what I have suffered. Where is the answer? But i can see what an unfair daughter you are! He would never talk bad about her. What Really Goes on in the Mind of a Cheater? Even if she has another partner, the children rarely accept the new father totally. I am in therapy for this reason.His dad and step-mom play it off well that they got along with me perfectly and treated me splendidly. I'm a writer and would be interested in sharing some of my story with you if you're still writing your book - mothers need to know about this. You being the one who has belittled her own children because they didn't meet her standards of physical beauty. I gave him a time limit of a month. Fathers have several options available to them. You can find out more about that on my website www.amyjlbaker.com. Perhaps your father did as my father did to my mother and stole the retirement money, and lied in Court so she got half the amount of support that she should have gotten and is now looking at a bleak retirement. All I can say is it is hard to know and depends why your mother feels alienated (or if she even is). I have been physically and verbally abused with amazing language. I have not seen or heard from my daughter since August 15th of 2015. It's mothers day today. I actually think there needs to be research into whether normal loss of access to children causes women to experience PTSD or other symptoms. How To Fight A False Allegation Retraining Order, Dept. I continued on that downward spiral if choosing one bad guy after another just to get away from the other... This could cause psychological pain, trauma, or other problems and IвЂ™ve seen normal women start to act a bit strange. The wish is to win the child to their own side so that they will be permanently allied with them against the other. I try not to dwell on that too much. All I can say is well done and thank god you came out good and your dad stood by you. I though this to be generous as he was not paying any rent. Or is it a situation where both have shared custody and the mother is alienating the father. The only exception is if the mother is deemed unfit or unable to serve as the primary caretaker of a child. Now back to arranging the gifts for my estranged family members that they cannot return. The children are educated and have good careers because the parents expressed the need for a good education when they were growing up. Now they don't talk to me? IвЂ™m just saying this for the daughter who is mad at her mother that there needs to be more compassion for all women out there who risk losing ANY access to a child and understanding for why women do freak out, act dysfunctionally (borderline or entitled) and who do tend to be more at risk of being alienators of fathers. How forcefully was child support pursued and for what amount or was it fair? I think this is happening to me and my daughter who lives with her mother. I have had several people expose the truth about her campaign to destroy my son's vision of dad. While I did see my two teenage sons yesterday, the emotional distance that they keep from me always pierces my heart and causes me desperate sadness. Get in touch soon ladies and take care. My brother even put a shot gun in his mouth and killed himself over this crap. Also, it is highly traumatic for a mother to lose access to their child whether due to alienation or their own actions (as it is for the child). The truth is, this dad did a lot with my child. I was an unmarried single working mother with a good professional career which enabled me to support my daughter and an au-pair. What are we mothers suppose to do? In that situation, a grandparent is in a position to seek custody of the child. Family connections? Second, I do offer telephone coaching for targeted parents. As mother's day approaches I want to take a moment to unequivocally state that yes mothers even good mothers can lose their children to parental alienation. Divorced parents who "brainwash" their children against ex-partners are guilty of “abuse”, the head of the agency that looks after youngsters' interests in family courts has said. Make sure to also put the children on the restraining order as co-victims by claiming that the father has put the children at risk or emotionally abuses them. “For a father will be divided against his son and son against his father, mother against her daughter and daughter against her mother, mother-in-law against her daughter-in-law and daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law.” GOD'S WORD® Translation A father will be against his son and a son against his father. Years later I can see now what he had done as he did the same thing when we were divorced. I just am so lost and am looking any advice what so ever to do since you have been a child in the situation.all I want and dream about is seeing my daughter and raising her. the father of my child wanted me to get a abortion from the moment i told him i was pregnant. (albeit whiners who are the sole reason that lawyers can floss their BMW's across town). It is so important! And if your reply to that is because you don't care enough to spell it right, then think about the why you do this at all. I can't be afraid to set up structure in my house just because my ex is willing to exploit that. This is a living he**. The cards will arrive late because the lady who looks after "In honour of ..." cards was on vacation. You will find support and info there, hope to see you there. Thank you for pointing out that IT does happen to moms. The courts are fantastic at outlining visitation schedules and child support payments but they draw the line at regulating these amorphous parenting concepts. My children have grown up and have mental health issues, they do not want to remember the good things as the response is always negative with replies вЂ™Dad said you would say thatвЂ™ or вЂ�dad said you would throw that in our facesвЂ™. Not worth sacrificing the rest of your life over ungrateful betraying kids! My oldest son whose mind is poisoned by his wife was missed and so were my grandchildren whom I am denied access too. Here are some examples: filing false claims about me and my new husband, moving into my home 1 year after we separated when we were on vacation- talk about confusing for our kids!, calling the cops on my then-fiance when our kids were there just to harrass us, texting derogatory things about me to my oldest, putting software on my computer then taking my personal letters and sending them to my oldest anonymously telling her this was what her mother was really like, telling my kids not to talk to me because anything they said would end up on my website...I "lost" my oldest last year when my ex called me up to talk about parenting better, met me in a diner, then told me my oldest was never coming back- she wasn't "safe." You will also find other mothers there who you can relate with and to. Second, I do offer telephone coaching for targeted parents. Please visit the MAMA page about alienation against mothers. My son has ex-communicated me from his life. ... a broad and deep consensus on children’s needs for both parents and the equal responsibilities of mother and father is … I have been alienated from my children and haven't seen them for 8 years now. May 1, 2017 - Spending time with a parent who suffers from narcissistic personality disorder is rarely in a child’s best interest. Needless to say I let him stay and married him. First, I am so sorry for what you have been through. My son also acknowledged that dad never bad talks mom. Ah, sweet. firstname.lastname@example.org. I deal with a narcissistic ex who hid his entire life he was gay. I truly have nit had a goid man i feel because i myself had an abusive mom and hitler minded stepfather... giving me no healthy male role models. She has two children I have never met. She's been lied to about her father and now is finally coming to the conclusion that it's her mother that's the liar. Perhaps you should ask her why she can't hold her tongue. I am struggling with this and am really trying to find UK support. Sorry to hear that you're suffering with this, too. I'd love to hear from you if poss. Parent's like us are whiners to the legal system Here is a woman's fail-proof guide to ruining your ex using Family Court. Why Do Antiheroes Appeal to People With Dark Traits? Why do some women use a child against the father? We must help each other cope with ourselves and seeing our precious children abused. Just make up any old thing and the judge will buy it. However, if either parent objects to the name change, the court will try the case to determine whether the name change is in the child's best interest. I do have hope. My partner and I never say a bad word to her about her mum but I can assure you I could have with the amount of vitriolic hatred her mother has for me. I try to respond to people who comment on my blog when they write about their personal PA story. Hi, Jo - I will tell that for 10 yrs I was a Stay-At-Home mother to my girls. Made a court date and because she has had her for 3 years moving from Florida to Illinois, I know this from people who care about the situation. What arguments were being used? NOT FAIR! I try and try and nothing. The father may communicate with the mother, document the violation and attempt to resolve it without court intervention. I have resigned myself to the fact that I will never regain the close relationship we once had. By the way, don't post another picture that you were not given. Just have to say i can't hit the proper letters on this tiny phone keyboard so i will have many errors and miss spells. It is really hard on occassions like today, especially when one appreciates how time passes all too quickly, to "take the high road", keep "positive" and optimistic. Now when I see kids raking leaves, I want to take pictures! We must stop turning children against divorced fathers. Maybe encourage her to talk about the fear she is feeling and ask her why she is feeling that way or making those assumptions. You can still undermine without bad talking, Parental Alienation/fathers abusing daughters quietly, Planning a 2019 Conference on Parental Alienation, Professional Misunderstanding of Parental Alienation, On FatherвЂ™s Day, Remember the Alienated Father. I try everything and she is in her early 20's as I am in my middle 20's. Not your therapist. Jo. Some if us are just the scapegoats for idiots that get clean away. The i instead if the o in many places. She would always say that my Dad "Was trying to turn me against her." My ex-husband married an Attorney who makes a Million dollars a year. For the daughter who blames her mother, you could only know the full truth through examining court documents. Are you willing to manipulate the jerk using the system so you really come out on top? I genuinely thought that he loved us so much, that he poured his heart out to her and was crying because he did not want to leave us. If anyone else wants me to highlight their plights within my book I will be more than delighted to as the U.K has not got enough recognition into this painful abuse. He sat across me and said вЂ�he had found his meal ticketвЂ™ and was getting married. My ex divorced me while I was going through a life altering illness. In the larger scheme of things, children without fathers are … It's a page in support of fit mothers who have been alienated from their children by their exes. She used multiple counselors to obtain an opinion that contact with me be limited. You put "MY" grandchildren at risk by doing so and their mother is not happy about it, at all. Many times, I had thought about ending my relationship with my mom, but it was my Dad who encouraged me to not cut her off. IвЂ™m sure it is hard for them too, especially since society says вЂњdonвЂ™t hurt women, you are supposed to be their protectorsвЂќ and so they have difficulty standing up for their parental rights or going against women in court etc etc (though women can and do become targets for PA). That is fun, and hopeful, and positive. Then, because I was in graduate school for psychology, I used the resources in their library to become educated about what it was and what I could do about it - I even devoted a semester's project to it. How naive not to think your dad just wasn't just trying to look like the victim and Mr. Nice Guy! If you chose to pick some unfit person then you made a mistake. But only want my daughter with me so I may see her. How on earth are we going to climb this Everest? Helen X. You can find out more about that on my website www.amyjlbaker.com. Sometimes the undermining can come been done through little situations, gestures or innuendos. Just looking for faith in any area as I'm scared to lose my daughter forever based off the fact she absconded with my baby girl and i don't know where and how to get my baby back. This is because his father seems to be running/moving addresses again... this has been created by his own behaviours of avoidance and his own untruths. I did exactly the same I did also study psychology and looked at my life through the eyes of existential counselling and psychology. I am an alienated mother. The mother would need to prove to the court that the father is somehow unfit as a parent, or that his involvement is not in the child’s best interest. Take comfort that you are not alone for simply perhaps being a little naieve. 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